contemplating

Bryan : Ive been thinking and been asking a lot of people this question recently. What do u think of living?
I didn’t understand what he meant actually. So i just kept quiet sambil buat muke2 tengah fikir.
Then he said,
“U know. I give u an example. Like what do u want in ur life?”
Then i told him,
“U see B. That is my problem. I dont know what I want in my life. Right now i have to choose, a career or a family. I have to make a choice so that i can decide whether i want to stay or going home for my intern”
B : “Oh u just have to think which one make u happy.”
Me : both actually.
B : No. Like which one make u happier. Even in a day.

And ive been thinking about it all the way home.
I received few sms from my mom and my sis today cakap “Wajib balik Malaysia.”
I dont know..
Like, seriously tak tau..
Banyak mnde keep me away from going home and banyak mende keep me away from staying here.
I am thinking too much.
Too much!hahaha..
i am obsessed with it. Hahaha..
Those who knw me tahu la kan yang saya takkan sit still selagi saya xdapat ape saya nak and in this case saya xkan stop fikir selagi saya x betol2 decide..Macam last week punye study group..I couldn’t concentrate in others’ presentation when i dont knw exactly where the dartos fascia is.hahaha..
I knw i will get both if i balik Malaysia and i will only get career if i stay but seriously, like seriously i tak tau..haih...i think i will just apply for both..and let the time decides?
And u know what?saya rase so far saya sorang je budak MARA yang nak balik..hahaha..budak MARA len sume nak stay..hahaha..MARA takde bonding kan. And sebab ramai nak stay rase cam nak stay gak.. Tapi taktau la..susahnye...ABiskn belajar dulu boleh x aina?hahahaha..:P..
Deep inside my heartkan, i nak sangat balik..tapi cam xready..hahaa..
I nak balik stay ngan my parents and my lil sis..
I nak balik raya ngan family after 5 yrs tak raya ngan diorg..plus mad nak fly dh march 2010..mmg la boleh balik raya gak kalau stay sini tapi x semua dapat cuti kan?
I nak balik nak promote Monaliza Mastura Ent.hahaha..
I nak balik sebab i dh penat jalan kaki g hospital.I want to have my own car, living in my own room with my own toilet...
I nak balik cuz i nak makan food best2...asek makan ayam je kat sini..hahaha..
And I nak balik gak cuz i want to meet and get to know someone..=)..u know who u r....=)
=)
Tapi if balik i takut kene buli ngan doctors len..
I takut kene marah..
I takut rase bodoh sebab xtau pape sangat sal diseases kat malaysia..
I takut takde kawan sangat nanti keje..
I takut xjumpe kawan2 yang best macam Aju, Milah, Shahid, Fred, Nad, Syafiek, Husna, Yopit, Nang, Aimi, Fatim, Nick, Izad and few others..
And i takut laaaa of all the expectations and uncertainties..
*sigh*