Acute Myelopastic leukemia

I have a patient.
He is a 51 y.o supernice gentleman.
He is diagnosed with AML in February/March 2010.
He was admitted last week for his 3rd chemo.
His initial WBC was 8.9. After 5days of admission/chemo; his WBC is 1.
His BP is in lowish side.
He has temperature of 39.5.
He is in sepsis.
But that was not things that i want to talk about.
This pakcik, made me cried few times.
I was so attached with him eventho i just knew him for a week.
He is married with 3children. The eldest is 15y.o and the youngest is 10y.o.
He was a tukang rumah before he got sick.
He was unable to work for the past few months for his illness.
He is currentlty under Kebajikan Masyarakat and received at most Rm300 a month.
When we saw him in d hospital prior to his admission for chemo, my specialist asked him;
"Pakcik, ni nak balik rumah ni pakcik nak naik ape?"
"xper doctor. Nanti pskcik cari kereta tambang"
"Xper pakcik. Pakcik ade duit ke tu?Kalau xder ssye boleh organisekan ambulance utk pakcik".
"xper doctor. Biar orang yang lagi susah dari saye naik. saye boleh cuba usahakan"

Then he went back with the taxi. He was again admitted for chemotherapy. When i wanted to give his chemo-cytarabine high dose, he asked me;
"Doctor, agak2 lepas ni pakcik boleh makan x?skarang ni rase tak sedap dah. lepas chemo lagi teruk. Dah la makanan hospital ni tawar rasenye"
"xpe pakcik insyaAllah. Saye bagi pakcik ubat kumur utk ilangkan rase sakit2 dalam mulut pakcik tu.Pastu pasal makan tu pakcik kirim kat adik2 student nurses ni. Saye sendiri kirim kat diorg je."
"takpelah.esok pakcik kirim sebabnya orang rumah pakcik takleh dtg 2 hari ni. takde orang nak jaga anak2 kat rumah dan anak2 pakcik ada aktiviti dekat sekolah dia"
Then the next day i came he asked me for a sweets. He was nauseated even after given him IV Kytryl(5HT3 antagonist).I gave him few and he wanted to pay for that.
Tak tau kenapa tapi sangat tersentuh when pakcik tu keluarkan purse dia utk bayar gula2 tu. Gula2 tu 20sen je mungkin harga die tapi die still nak bayar. Macam kalau orang lain bagi rm 5 pon tentu xdenye nak bayar kan. Tapi utk orang susah macam dia yang duit tak seberapa rm0,20 pun masih mahu membayarnya. I dont know how to express it tapi macam dia orang yang jujur dan baik hati la.
Then the next day i datang review him again. He told me regarding his children and while was telling me the stories about his children he was sheding his tears. Statement yang saya akan ingat sampai bila2;
"kadang2 bila terfikir saya ni takk lama serba tak kena saya. Anak2 kecik lagi. Yang bongsu tu kalau cakap pakcik nak masuk hospital nangis2 taknak kasi pakcik pergi. Yelah die kecik lagi mungkin xfaham yang dalam hidup ni semua akan mati. Saya tak tau macam mana diorang nak makan lepas ni. Yang orang rumah pula tak tau nak buat kerja sangat, Kalau x boleh jual2 kuih ke. Anak pakcik pandai2. CIkgu sayang diorg. Sedih kalau tgk kadang2 diorg makan xcukup lauk. Tapi tu yang mampu pakcik dapat sekarang ni."
And guess what?keluar je from bilik pakcik tu i went to the toilet and cried. Macam rase jahatnyeeeee diri ini selama ini. Makan beli lauk banyak2 then x abis. Elektrik pakai x berjimat. Baju tak suke buang.=(

Sorry.Mungkin ade yang bosan dengan entry yang xde kaitan sangat pon dgn ape2 n mungkin xdifahami tapi saya rase nak menulisnye. I dont think im capable of doing oncology. I cant control my own feelings. I am so attached to them. I was enthusiastic enough to find the patient;s hse just to give him his medications. I scold people for lambat ambik chemo drugs. I gave my phone numbers to my patient just so they could contact me if anything happens and so many other things that i have done just because i am emotional and attached to them. Mungkin terover EMPATHY.huhu