New meds

modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...

St. Mom's Wort ~ Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ~ Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Flipitor ~ Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ~ When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ~ Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ~ Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ~ Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ~ Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ~ A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ~ Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

Ragamet ~ When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ~ A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.